Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
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I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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