Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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