I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
