I should be sponsored by Trojan
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
