I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
