last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
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