Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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