You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
