just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
