I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
