nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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