our cab driver is having phone sex.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
