he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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