take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
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I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
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he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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