he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
How does one acquire holy water?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
