she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
