he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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