I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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