the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
There's always time for handjobs
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
