sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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