I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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