I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
