I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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