have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
