she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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