my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
