also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
