You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
