someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
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