vagina is talking i cant
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
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