I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
