Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
