I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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