My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
