i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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