My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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