broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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