I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
