your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
