Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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