Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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