So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
