he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
