I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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