I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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