I feel like I'm in dance class right now
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
