Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
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