I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
