What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Randomize
