Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
