it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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