We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
