Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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