I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
