I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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