guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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