is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
