I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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