Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
